Weddings, condolences and Eid: what to do if you walk into one

Most of the ceremonies a traveller meets in Syria are not things you buy a ticket for. You walk into them: a convoy passes sounding its horns, chairs appear in rows on a pavement, a whole quarter walks the same way on the morning of a feast. This page is about what to do in those moments. Which feast falls on which date is on the calendar page in this section.

The zaffe: a wedding is heard first

You hear a wedding before you see it. A drum and a mizmar play at the door, and a clapping procession takes the bride and groom into the middle and walks them to the house or the hall. That is the zaffe. The part in the street is short and the night itself happens indoors. The car convoy is a separate matter: it circles the city on the horn with young men leaning out of the windows.

Stopping to watch is fine and rather expected. Joining the clapping raises no eyebrows either. The one thing to watch is the camera. A wide frame of the crowd is generally welcome; a close-up of the women is not. If you are unsure, do not take it.

If you are invited to a wedding

The invitation may well be real, and usually is. Three things are worth knowing before you accept. Dress first: a shirt for a man, something covering shoulders and knees for a woman. At a hall wedding everyone around you will be dressed better than you. Then the arrangement, because at some weddings men and women are in separate halls and at others together. You can see which at the door, and you can ask.

Third, the gift. A Syrian wedding present is usually money in an envelope, handed to the couple directly. Nobody expects that from a foreign guest, and sweets or flowers are received just as well. Staying an hour and thanking your hosts is not rude, because the night ends late and nobody expects you to see it out.

The condolence tent

If you see rows of chairs on a pavement or in a closed-off stretch of street, an awning over them and a printed notice on the wall carrying a name, that is a condolence tent. It usually stands for the three days after a death, and anyone passing through the neighbourhood goes in and sits down.

What happens is simple. You greet the room, take an empty chair, and unsweetened coffee comes round in small cups. You drink one, and as you hand the cup back you shake it slightly, which is how you say that is enough, thank you. Fifteen minutes is a full visit, and on standing up people say al-baqiyya bi-hayatak. Women often receive condolences separately, at home.

Two rules here are absolute: no photographs, and no asking how the person died. Anyone who wants to tell you will tell you.

The morning of Eid

The first morning of both Eids follows a fixed order. The Eid prayer is early, and since the mosque fills the congregation spills into the courtyard, the street and any open ground. After the prayer comes the visit to the graves, with families walking out to the cemetery and greenery and roses sold at its gate. Then the round of family visits begins, and the day goes from house to house.

Two notes are useful. In the first hours the markets and restaurants are closed and open again towards midday, and the sweet shop becomes the busiest door in the street. Children are given Eid money; if a child says eid mubarak to you, smiling and saying it back is enough and no money is expected from you.

Births, circumcisions and other good news

Happy occasions are announced to the neighbours on a plate. At a birth meghli is cooked and sent round: a rice-flour pudding spiced with caraway, cinnamon and aniseed, topped with walnuts, almonds and pistachio. In Aleppo mamounieh does the same job, and sending a bowl next door is a settled custom.

If such a plate arrives at your door, sending it back empty is not done; something small goes back on it, usually sweets or fruit. Circumcisions and engagements are announced the same way. If you are staying in a hotel or with a family, these plates will reach you too.

Christian feasts and two Easters

Easter is kept on two different dates in Syria, because the churches follow two different calendars. What that means on the ground is this: around Bab Touma and Qassaa in Damascus, and around Jdeideh and Aziziyeh in Aleppo, the churches fill on two separate weekends and the quarter celebrates twice.

Palm Sunday, the week before Easter, is the most visible day. The churches fill with children, candles and olive branches are carried, and a procession goes through the quarter. Ask locally for the hour, which differs from church to church. You may go into a service, but you do not walk about during one, and photographs are taken only with permission.

Three rules that cover all of it

Photography. The same measure works everywhere: a wide frame is generally fine, faces need permission, and close-ups of women and of mourners are not taken.

Dress. If you are going into a ceremony, cover shoulders and knees and keep to dark colours. Bright clothing and shorts read as plainly wrong at a condolence.

Money. The envelope at a wedding is a local matter, nothing is given at a condolence, and Eid money for children circulates inside the family. Nothing is expected from a foreign guest, and pressing money on people usually causes discomfort.